Thought Roulette

Please don’t show me your unborn fetus on Facebook

Posted in Lifestyle by tk on June 23, 2011

I know that you are excited about the prospect of motherhood/fatherhood.  You want to share that with friends, acquaintances and co-workers.  I get this.

I’m a supportive guy.  I like to think about how happy your life is going to be raising your first-born child.  I want to be a supportive friend/and/or/distant-acquaintance-that-you-met-at-a-luau-in-College-9-years-ago. I can imagine you in slow motion, strolling down some leafy boulevard with your kid nestled into some sort of Baby Bjorn apparatus that probably cost you more than the GDP of Finland,  the picture of bliss and human fulfillment.

Once the kid is outside of your beautiful womb, I can even imagine sitting through a couple of the inevitable videos you will post of your newborn meatball doing something heartbreaking, like trying to crawl after your annoying, miniature dog, which up to the point that you generated an ACTUAL HUMAN CHILD you treated like some combination of a lovable newborn and the President of the United States, but now that a real kid has come along, you given ipso facto illegal immigrant status.

Furthermore, I have already braced myself against the inevitable fact that I am going to have to attend some awkward bar-b-que during which all of your single friends will get drunk and overly effusive and someone will probably say something slightly inappropriate about how your drooling, barely-cogent one-year-old is a “such a shameless flirt.”  This is the same BBQ that your formerly-homeless, beach bum, recovering-alcoholic cousin will insist on playing a song that he wrote in your kids honor, and then start crying in the middle of it, after trying to successfully rhyme, “breath of light” with “eyes so bright.”

All of this I expect, anticipate, or, even, in some cases, grudgingly look forward to.  Trust me, once the kid has come out of you/your wife’s/your surrogate’s body I will be there for you.

In the meantime, please, please, PLEASE don’t show me your unborn fetus on Facebook.

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One Response

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  1. newtson said, on July 14, 2011 at 4:07 am

    First of three related comments:

    Over several weeks I’ve read and re-read this post. With each appraisal native juices start flowing involuntarily, per usual, and that dang deeply buried globus pallidus begins its transactions with my anterior singulate. Of course, some important pre-data is lost in a virtual free-fall through the void that is the startlingly large calcerine fissure common in my lineage since homo rudolfensis and homo loquax. It is thus with some relief that I point out how a pinch, a shred, even sometimes a grain of synaptic non-matter is serendipitously caught and recycled by my, uh, most unprepossessing cerebral penduncle.


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