Thought Roulette

America: Your fruit plate is unholy!

Posted in Food by tk on December 17, 2010

To wit:

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– I don’t think that the type of melon I am being served technically qualifies a fruit — and is not officially recognized as an edible foodstuff in three-quarters of the European Union.

– Why so stingy on the berries?  I think for the ten dollars I am paying you for this fruit plate you can throw in some goddamn blueberries.

– I am not 90 years old. I don’t want any prunes or dates on/in/around the fruit plate.

–  Canned tangerines should not be allowed to within 20 yards of me. I am taking out a restraining order.

– A fruit plate should be served on a plate – preferably wide, and made of sturdy American china – not a bowl, or another piece of fruit.

– If I wanted a crudely-chopped Granny Smith apple to be the foundation of the fruit plate, I would fucking make my own fruit plate.

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God bless the Side Order Pancake

Posted in Food by tk on December 12, 2010

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Toast, Mill Valley, CA.

Too many breakfast joints take an inflexible position when it comes to ordering a single pancake, holding customers hostage to the over-indulgent “short stack.”  No wonder American obesity rates far surpass our peers in countries like Sweden where the single-serving pancake is practically a national past time.

Thankfully a few rare restos buck the trend, allowing patriots like me to boldly order a full American Breakfast [eggs, meat, toast, hash browns] – and have their pancake, and eat it too.

Okay. I take it back.

Posted in Food by tk on December 11, 2010

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See post entitled: “Pet Food”

Pet Food

Posted in Food by tk on December 8, 2010

THE THING I DON’T GET is PORK.

Admittedly I have never been much of a “pet” person. They notion of bringing some grimy, agitated creature into a reasonably clean living environment seemed, at the very least, counterintuitive. It’s like voluntarily installing a homeless person in your living room.

That said, how is it that on one hand we can have such deep, SOUL-THROTTLING emotional bonds to the relatively dimwitted creatures [CATS, DOGS, FERRETS] that we let roam our hallowed halls with wildest abandon — but we can, on the slightest impulse, consume bacon by the handful, guzzle pork belly [uptown] and pork rinds [downtown], and suck down every other pork product under the sun like it was the last edible foodstuff on earth.

On one hand, we shudder at the thought of Fido getting gassed, but we are happy to hoover ham by the mouthful — even though pigs — the source of the other white meat — happen to be one of the cleanest, brightest creatures on the planet.

Where is the logic in that? It makes NO sense. Explain it to me?!

In conclusion I submit to you, my kind readers, THIS ARTICLE from Penn State. Yes PIGS CAN USE JOYSTICKS .