Thought Roulette

Please don’t show me your unborn fetus on Facebook

Posted in Lifestyle by tk on June 23, 2011

I know that you are excited about the prospect of motherhood/fatherhood.  You want to share that with friends, acquaintances and co-workers.  I get this.

I’m a supportive guy.  I like to think about how happy your life is going to be raising your first-born child.  I want to be a supportive friend/and/or/distant-acquaintance-that-you-met-at-a-luau-in-College-9-years-ago. I can imagine you in slow motion, strolling down some leafy boulevard with your kid nestled into some sort of Baby Bjorn apparatus that probably cost you more than the GDP of Finland,  the picture of bliss and human fulfillment.

Once the kid is outside of your beautiful womb, I can even imagine sitting through a couple of the inevitable videos you will post of your newborn meatball doing something heartbreaking, like trying to crawl after your annoying, miniature dog, which up to the point that you generated an ACTUAL HUMAN CHILD you treated like some combination of a lovable newborn and the President of the United States, but now that a real kid has come along, you given ipso facto illegal immigrant status.

Furthermore, I have already braced myself against the inevitable fact that I am going to have to attend some awkward bar-b-que during which all of your single friends will get drunk and overly effusive and someone will probably say something slightly inappropriate about how your drooling, barely-cogent one-year-old is a “such a shameless flirt.”  This is the same BBQ that your formerly-homeless, beach bum, recovering-alcoholic cousin will insist on playing a song that he wrote in your kids honor, and then start crying in the middle of it, after trying to successfully rhyme, “breath of light” with “eyes so bright.”

All of this I expect, anticipate, or, even, in some cases, grudgingly look forward to.  Trust me, once the kid has come out of you/your wife’s/your surrogate’s body I will be there for you.

In the meantime, please, please, PLEASE don’t show me your unborn fetus on Facebook.

Advertisements

Untitled bar: Marina, SF

Posted in Lifestyle by tk on December 21, 2010

image

Why are people at independent coffee shops so miserable?

Posted in Lifestyle by tk on December 9, 2010

Am I the only one to notice this phenomenon? I swear, every time I walk into an independent so-called, “Third Wave,” coffee shop I feel like I have inadvertently discovered the fountainhead of all existential despair. My local shop, the place that supposedly invented “Single Drip” Coffee, has as much cheer and camaraderie as a Soviet prison camp. You have to use the words “Julian Assange” and “Our Lord and Savior” in the same sentence just to get eye contact.

On the other hand, corporate chains like Starbucks or Peet’s are full of bushy-tailed baristas, seemingly high on the fumes of their industrial coffee grinders, happily frothing your double short tall latte while humming along to the Vince Guaraldi Trio.

To use Plato’s famous admonishment: What gives?